I talk to a lot of people about their relationships. And a lot of these relationships are about as healthy equally the Ebola virus: cold, distant, loveless, and flesh-eating.

I hear the stories about the heartbreak and loneliness, the lying and adulterous, and the pain. Always the pain.

Inevitably, these conversations end with some form of the same question: "Why?" Why does he/she do this to me? Why does he/she not care anymore? Why won't he/she change?

Tolstoy said that all happy relationships are the same, merely each unhappy relationship is unique in its own way.one I suppose that'southward true. But I do call up the question of allegiance, of why some people choose to remain faithful and others do not, is fairly straightforward and easily answered.

Information technology turns out that infidelity is actually non uncommon in both men and women. In fact, surveys guess that almost one-fourth of all marriages experience infidelity at some bespeak. And that's just counting the people who answered honestly or constitute out almost it.2

It's also very hard for most people to exist logical about adultery. They kickoff raging all over the place and throwing people's shit out on the backyard. Or they get and then sad and hurt that they can't look at the situation reasonably and run into all of the warning signs stretching out miles behind them.3

So let's break this down logically. I know algorithms aren't exactly romantic or sexy. But then again, neither is cheating. Then fuck information technology, you get an algorithm.

The Cheating Algorithm is quite simple and goes equally follows:

Cocky-GRATIFICATION > INTIMACY = CHEATING

In plain English language: when i'southward need for self-gratification outweighs their need for intimacy, cheating is likely to occur. Let's break that down a little more and dig a little deeper:

  1. As humans, we all have a natural desire for self-gratification. Proficient nutrient. Adept sex activity. Little work. Lots of sleep. Porn and video games and corn flakes.four
  2. As humans, we as well all have a natural desire for intimacy and to feel loved by somebody else, to feel as though we are sharing our lives with somebody.5
  3. Unfortunately, these two needs are frequently contradictory. To reach that intimacy and honey, you have to sacrifice your ain self-gratification at times. And to accomplish cocky-gratification, you oft take to sacrifice some love and intimacy. This tin exist as simple as watching a moving-picture show you don't really like or attending some boring work political party y'all don't care about. But it can as well exist deep and complex, similar being open well-nigh your fears and insecurities to your partner or making a conscious commitment to be monogamous with that person for an indefinite amount of time.vi
  4. If a person values cocky-gratification more than the intimacy they gain from a human relationship, so they will stop sacrificing for the relationship and are likely to end up cheating. If a person values the intimacy they gain from a human relationship more than self-gratification, then they will willingly sacrifice some of their self-gratification to remain faithful.
  5. Think of information technology like a scale. On one side you have self-gratification and on the other you take intimacy. If at any point the self-gratification side outweighs the intimacy side, well, so you get a cheater.why people cheat: the self-gratification vs intimacy balance scale

There are 2 ways this can happen. The first way is that a person is only shallow and selfish and needs to be gratified constantly. The second reason is that the relationship is failing to provide sufficient intimacy and desire.vii Let's unpack these two reasons separately.

In my optics, the definition of maturity is the ability to defer cocky-gratification in favor of more than important long-term goals.8

Y'all don't masturbate at piece of work considering that would get you lot fired. You don't eat chocolate cake for breakfast every morning time because that would give you lot a middle set on by the age of 32. Y'all don't mainline heroin direct into your eyeballs earlier picking your kids up from school considering, well, Jesus, do I really accept to explicate that one?

Certain, these things feel nice, only you have larger and more of import concerns and you're able to defer your ain gratification to run across those concerns.

This is called "maturity." Information technology's called "being an adult." It'south called "not existence a fuck up."

Cheating falls under the same umbrella here. Sure, it may feel good to rub your genitals all over that beautiful stranger'south confront, but a mature person is capable of stepping dorsum and deferring their gratification in favor of a more than of import life-long commitment.

Cocky-gratifying cheaters come in two flavors: miserable over-compensators and people in power.

The miserable over-compensators are constantly focused on their own gratification considering they experience so miserable about themselves that they need to make themselves feel good to embrace it upwards all the fourth dimension. Chances are that if your adulterous deadbeat of an ex-young man/girlfriend is a miserable over-compensator, cheating isn't the but subversive self-gratifying behavior they pursue. They may be a heavy drinker, a hard partier, a drug user, or a social climber.

Or they may just endeavour to have over the world.

The people in ability are just that, people in high positions of power.9 They're Genghis Khan. Or more recently, Bill Clinton and Arnold Schwarzenegger. They are people who don't take anyone to say "no" to them or those who don't face any real tangible repercussions for their actions. Or in the example of Khan, a human being who but slaughtered an entire province of innocent people and wanted to spend the next calendar week having a claret orgy with all the local virgins. Knock yourself out, gnaw.

Only these don't just demand to be people with social power. These can be people who are given consummate power over the relationship, people who are shown no repercussions for their actions by their partners. Yes, you can unwittingly enable your partner to cheat on you. Which brings us to the 2d reason.

It's not rocket science to say that the likelihood of infidelity in a relationship is directly proportional to how miserable the relationship is.

The problem is that many people don't recognize the misery in their own relationships. They come from a family full of miserable relationships and/or have a long history of miserable relationships, so to them, it's not even miserable, it'due south just normal.

Then they go surprised when wifey is fucking the milkman. Everything was and so proficient, what happened?

No, it wasn't and then skilful buckeroo. Let me explicate why.

Damn you milk man. Always stealing away our women.
Damn you milkman. Always stealing our women.

Await, in that location are ii human relationship patterns that commonly cease up with somebody adulterous. Both involve poor boundaries.10 And both create an illusion that "everything is swell," when really it's a festering pile of cow shit with big red hearts painted on information technology.

The first state of affairs is when one partner feels every bit though they "do everything" for the other partner. They take intendance of them, give them everything they desire, and in some cases support them. The person feels similar a goddamn saint and then what happens? They get cheated on.

The reason this is really a toxic situation is that when yous exercise everything for your partner, when yous take care of all of their problems and show them that no affair what happens you will e'er brand information technology better for them, you lot show them that at that place are essentially no repercussions for their deportment. They lose their task considering they were masturbating at the office again and yous decide to support them. And so they spend the side by side vi months loafing around on your couch while you tirelessly send out their resume for them. What makes you lot call back they're going to change? What makes you think they will ever stop and question their own behavior?

If yous had a domestic dog that continuously pissed on your rug and every time you but cleaned up the rug because OMIGOD I Beloved HER, why would the dog ever stop pissing on it?

That'due south what happens when these people cheat on you. You're actually surprised when y'all've been tolerating and enabling the exact beliefs that led to them adulterous all along. No, it's non your "fault," but you sure as shit weren't helping the matter.

Believe it or non, a salubrious and loving relationship requires that people say "no" to one another on occasion. It requires that each individual stands upwards for themselves and their needs. Because simply and then can ii people, as cocky-respecting individuals, discuss what will piece of work and what won't work for them in a relationship.

The other situation where cheating e'er ends up happening is when one partner is insanely possessive and jealous.

Let me ask you this, if you were dating somebody who regularly looked through your phone without permission, demanded to know where yous were at all times, got ripshit pissed off every time you went out with your friends without him/her and screamed at yous until blood vessels popped in their face if you go a unmarried day without calling or texting, why wouldn't you cheat?11

I mean, this person is essentially treating you similar you already cheated, even though y'all did zilch incorrect. So why not cheat? Information technology won't go whatever worse.

And that's exactly what happens. "Well, my husband yells at me every day anyway, and now that I'one thousand with my friends and nosotros've have had a few apple tree-tinis, I realize I haven't been happy with him in about a year, then yeah, why don't I kiss this cute guy hitting on me correct now? He's really squeamish to me. And I'thousand going to get yelled at when I go home anyhow. So why not?"

And boom, the milkman strikes again.

Possessive/jealous behavior communicates farthermost insecurity and a lack of self-respect. How can your partner respect you if y'all are incapable of tolerating any sort of discomfort in the relationship whatsoever?

True, sexy confidence comes not from fighting for self-gratification, but rather from being comfortable with deferring gratification. Which brings us to…

There are simple steps you tin take to foreclose getting cheated on. Note while they are "elementary" they are not necessarily easy to do.

Let me explain.

Step 1: Do Not Date Somebody Who Cannot Defer Self-Gratification Well

This goes without proverb, but don't autumn in dearest with the offset person who looks at you lot without grimacing.

Look, dating a self-gratifier tin can be crawly, as long as you keep to gratify them. Only you need to acquire to await past the feel-goods and wait at how this person actually lives their life. Are they capable of making sacrifices for those effectually them? Are they impulsive? Does their life appear to exist filled with unnecessary drama? Practice they accept responsibleness for their actions?

The problem with people who base their lives around their own gratification is that they often appear confident to people who are anxious or insecure. I think when I met my beginning girlfriend, i of the things I loved about her was that if she wanted something she just went and did information technology. I was so insecure and inhibited at the fourth dimension that I thought this was an amazing display of conviction.

What I later found out was that it was actually an astonishing display of self-gratification. As soon as she wanted another pair of genitals in her face, well, at that place they were.

As I described in this article, true sexy conviction only exists when someone is comfortable with what they don't have. Truthful confidence comes from existence able to defer and give up one's own gratification and desires and take the appropriate actions when necessary.

The other result with people who date self-gratifiers is that they think to themselves, "Well, he's so loving and happy when he'due south with me, why would he ever desire to exist with somebody else?"

Yeah, information technology'due south because he was dating you for the self-gratification, non the intimacy. So of form he loved being with you, as long as it was on his terms. Equally presently as y'all quit providing gratification for him, he went and found somebody else who did.

Footstep 2: Enforce Good for you Boundaries

That means standing upward for yourself. That ways declaring what is and is not acceptable in the relationship both for yourself and your partner. That means sticking past those declarations and following through on them. That means doing pretty much everything explained in this article.

That means you recognize that you are non responsible for your partner's happiness nor are they responsible for yours. That you practice not have a right to demand certain actions from them nor exercise they have a right to demand certain actions from you lot.

That means that they are responsible for their own struggles just every bit you are responsible for yours.

That means that you realize ofttimes the about loving and empathetic affair you tin can do for a loved one is allow them to deal with their struggles themselves.

The point of a relationship is not for you lot to have all of your life's problems stock-still by your partner, nor is it for you lot to prepare all of your partner'south life problems.

The point of a human relationship is to have 2 individuals unconditionally back up each other as they deal with their own problems together.

Step iii: Always Be Willing to Leave

This comes up in a lot of my replies to those emails I get, and information technology often catches people off guard.

Merely a relationship is only as strong equally each person's willingness to leave. Annotation that I didn't say want to leave, only the willingness to leave. Every healthy human relationship requires the occasional loving but stern "no." Otherwise nothing volition always change because there'southward no reason for it to change.

A wise friend of mine told me years agone that after two divorces the most important lesson he learned was that "the quickest way to kill a relationship is to take each other for granted."12

A relationship is non an obligation. It is a choice. Made every mean solar day. It is a option that says, "The intimacy nosotros share is improve for me than my own self-gratification." It is a choice that recognizes the short-term costs are worth the long-term benefits. Information technology is a pick to appreciate what brought you ii together in the first identify. And so to permit that keep you lot in that location.